LONDON--Excitement over their 2007 reunion having waned, Sting, Stewart Copeland, and Andy Summers--better known as the Police--have announced plans to jump-start their career by releasing a new single, a re-recording of a track from their debut album, Outlandos d’Amour, “Be My Girl--Sally.”
The original version was a randy paean to an inflatable doll. The new version will sample audio from a recently released tape of a massage therapist accusing former Vice-President Al Gore of unwanted sexual advances and be re-titled “Be My Girl--Massage Therapist.”
According to a group spokesman, the trio got the idea for the project when it realized that the original stanzas--one of which goes “I needed inspiration, / a brand new start in life, / somewhere to place affection, / but I didn’t want a wife”--needed very little re-writing.
“The whole thing seemed to fall into their lap, so to speak. We only hope it doesn’t rub fans the wrong way.”
MONTGOMERY, AL--In a rare instance of life imitating aphorisms, Alabama governor Bob Riley has decided to make lemonade out of the lemons life has given him.
Except that the “lemons” are oil and the “lemonade” is pies.
“The governor has always believed that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” said an unnamed source in Riley’s inner circle, who was quick to point out that the governor’s beliefs had nothing to do with legislation pending in the Alabama legisture that would make it legal to punish recalcitrant children by surgically remaking them into Siamese twins.
“He simply feels that with all this free oil comin’ ashore, maybe we shouldn’t look a gift tar ball in the mouth.”
Besides, added the aide, the oil--when saturated with sugar and the extracts of various polysyllabic chemicals (“that are actually worse fer ya than tar”), baked atop a flaky crust foundation, and topped with several inches of meringue--is every bit as tasty as the gelatinous substance in which Vienna sausages have been routinely packaged “since before ‘under God’ was added to the Pledge of Allegiance.”
“The governor can’t eat enough of ’em,” said the aide. “You thought he was slick before? You ain’t seen nothing’ yet.”
This "blog" is mainly an online storage site for the pieces that I've written (1990 to the present) for WORLD, the VILLAGE VOICE, the ILLINOIS ENTERTAINER, various Salem Press encyclopedias, BLENDER, OFFBEAT, TIMES OF ACADIANA, the [WITTENBURG] DOOR, ROCK & ROLL DISC, BRASS [New Zealand], and B-SIDE. In the late-'80s, I published some poems too. All of these and $3.50 might get me a tasty beverage at Starbucks.
(For the record, there are two pieces with my byline floating around the Internet--one on the Cranberries from B-SIDE magazine and one on Dr. Laura Schlessinger from WORLD--that were actually substantially rewritten by my editors. So I hereby officially disavow them.)
Stewart Copeland, and Andy Summers--better known as the Police--have announced plans to jump-start their career by releasing a new single, a re-recording of a track from their debut album, Outlandos d’Amour, “Be My Girl--Sally.”
