Chicago Approves New Handgun Restrictions

CHICAGO--Thirty-two years after its original guitarist shot himself in the head with a pistol, the pop-rock group Chicago has finally decided to prohibit its members from owning handguns.

According to a spokesman for the band, whose many hits include “If You Leave Me Now,” “Hard to Say I’m Sorry,” and “Old Days,” the prohibition is long overdue.

“Obviously, the band should’ve banned handguns a long time ago,” he said. “Thirty-three years ago to be precise.”