Chicago Approves New Handgun Restrictions

CHICAGO--Thirty-two years after its original guitarist shot himself in the head with a pistol, the pop-rock group Chicago has finally decided to prohibit its members from owning handguns.

According to a spokesman for the band, whose many hits include “If You Leave Me Now,” “Hard to Say I’m Sorry,” and “Old Days,” the prohibition is long overdue.

“Obviously, the band should’ve banned handguns a long time ago,” he said. “Thirty-three years ago to be precise.”

Police Release Tape from Gore Accuser's Interview

LONDON--Excitement over their 2007 reunion having waned, Sting, Stewart Copeland, and Andy Summers--better known as the Police--have announced plans to jump-start their career by releasing a new single, a re-recording of a track from their debut album, Outlandos d’Amour, “Be My Girl--Sally.”

The original version was a randy paean to an inflatable doll. The new version will sample audio from a recently released tape of a massage therapist accusing former Vice-President Al Gore of unwanted sexual advances and be re-titled “Be My Girl--Massage Therapist.”

According to a group spokesman, the trio got the idea for the project when it realized that the original stanzas--one of which goes “I needed inspiration, / a brand new start in life, / somewhere to place affection, / but I didn’t want a wife”--needed very little re-writing.

“The whole thing seemed to fall into their lap, so to speak. We only hope it doesn’t rub fans the wrong way.”

RILEY EYES LARGER SLICE OF OIL PIE

June 24, 2010

MONTGOMERY, AL--In a rare instance of life imitating aphorisms, Alabama governor Bob Riley has decided to make lemonade out of the lemons life has given him.

Except that the “lemons” are oil and the “lemonade” is pies.

“The governor has always believed that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” said an unnamed source in Riley’s inner circle, who was quick to point out that the governor’s beliefs had nothing to do with legislation pending in the Alabama legisture that would make it legal to punish recalcitrant children by surgically remaking them into Siamese twins.

“He simply feels that with all this free oil comin’ ashore, maybe we shouldn’t look a gift tar ball in the mouth.”

Besides, added the aide, the oil--when saturated with sugar and the extracts of various polysyllabic chemicals (“that are actually worse fer ya than tar”), baked atop a flaky crust foundation, and topped with several inches of meringue--is every bit as tasty as the gelatinous substance in which Vienna sausages have been routinely packaged “since before ‘under God’ was added to the Pledge of Allegiance.”

“The governor can’t eat enough of ’em,” said the aide. “You thought he was slick before? You ain’t seen nothing’ yet.”

WHO warns swine flu 'unstoppable'

July 3, 2009

Ever desperate to make the public forget both his five-year presence on a sex-offender registry and the last Who album, Pete Townshend has announced that he has in fact begun writing another rock opera.

The opus will deal with “swine flu” and the inevitability of its killing everything on Earth “anyway, anyhow, anywhere.”

According to sources close to Townshend, the as-yet-unnamed work will contain, along with new material, several of the Who’s biggest hits, re-written to accommodate the swine-flu theme: "My Degeneration," “The Kids Aren’t Alright,” “Pictures of Porky,” “Magic Pus,” and “Sneeze Box.”

“I’ve been kickin’ titles around!” shouted the sixty-four-year-old guitarist, whose many years of performing over-amplified music have left him practically deaf. “I quite like Deathhouse, but Quadropneumonia ’as a nice ring to it as well!”

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Japanese scientists to breed 'Super Tuna'

July 2, 2009

First the Japanese infiltrated Major League Baseball. Then they took over the electronics industry.

Now, the country that bombed Pearl Harbor sixty-seven years ago has its sights set on yet another major United States target: the National Football League.

“Radies and gentlemen of the pless,” said Dr. Kazumasa Ikuta, director of research at the Yokohama-based Fisheries Research Agency on Wednesday, “I am ploud to announce that my team and I are about to bleed the Super Tuna!”

“Bleed,” by the way, is Japanese English for “breed.”

“Super Tuna” is the code name that Ikuta and his staff have given to the race of Bill Parcells clones that they plan to engender.

Parcells, whose nickname is “the Big Tuna,” is a two-time Super Bowl-winning NFL coach recently credited with transforming the Miami Dolphins into a winning franchise. Ikuta figures that if a “big” tuna can win two Super Bowls, a “super” one can--and will--win more.

Two major obstacles remain: finding a willing birth mother (Debbie Rowe is said to have backed out at the last minute) and naming the Japanese-based teams.

“We riked the Kyoto Accords,” said Ikuta, “but Honda said that name would viorate their copylight.”

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White House Reporters Grill Gibbs Over ‘Prepackaged’ Questions for Obama

July 1, 2009

Call it "Wednesday Afternoon Fever."

When the Bee Gees Barry and Robin Gibb unexpectedly showed up among the White House press corps for President Obama's "town hall" meeting today, reporters were beside themselves with glee.

At first.

"Maurice!" shrieked the veteran reporter Helen Thomas (D-Hearst Corporation), mistakenly identifying Robin as his twin brother Maurice, who passed away in 2003. Casting all fear of osteoporosis to the wind, the senescent scribe then pushed her way past David Broder (D-Washington Post), Savannah Guthrie (D-NBC), and Ed Henry (D-CNN) to thrust a pen and notepad at the befuddled Bee Gee and ask for his autograph.

Robin wrote, "To Helen--Keep stayin' alive. Love, Maurice."

Once the town-hall meeting began, however, tension began to develop, as press-corps members were repeatedly passed over so that the President could take questions from the Toothsome Twosome.

"How deep is your love?" asked Barry at one point, to which the President responded by reading the contents of Governor Mark Sanford's (R-SC) recently revealed letters to his Argentinian mistress from the teleprompters.

Robin was next, asking the President, "How do you mend a broken heart?"

But before the President could answer, Richard Wolffe (D-Newsweak) interrupted.

"Hey! These questions sound familiar!" he shouted.

They were, in fact, lines from two of the Bee Gees' biggest hits.

Once called on the scam, both Brothers Gibb admitted that their questions had been a publicity stunt.

"We saw Michael Jackson's old albums rocketing up the charts," Robin admitted, "and we felt left out.

"I mean, it's all well and good to sell millions after you've died. But we'd prefer to get ours now."

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Boehner: Climate bill a 'pile of s - - t.'

June 28, 2009

Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) baffled colleagues and foes Friday night by reacting to the passage of a controversial climate-change bill with a cryptic note.

When asked by a reporter about the bill's narrow passing (219 votes for, 212 votes against), the normally outspoken congressman held up his hand, extracted a pad and pencil from his breast pocket, and began to write.

Thirty seconds later, he had finished, handed the note to the reporter, and left the chambers. His message? "This bill is a pile of s - - t."

"We have no idea what he meant," said House Speaker Nancy "Ma'am" Pelosi (D-Calif.), "but I'm pretty sure it starts with an s and ends with a t."

"And there appear to be two letters in between," said Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). "But there are a lot of letters, and it could be awhile before we know which two letters are missing."

GOP Conference Chairman Rep. Mike Pence (Ind.) began soliciting guesses from the assembled representatives and publishing them on his blog, inviting constituents of Boehner to vote for the term that they think Boehner had in mind. "After all," said Pence, "they know him best."

The top vote getters so far: 1. "snot"; 2. "soot"; 3. "smut"; 4. "salt."

"I was thinking maybe he meant 'sbet,'" said Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), "but then I remembered that 'sbet' is not a word."

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