WHO warns swine flu 'unstoppable'

July 3, 2009

Ever desperate to make the public forget both his five-year presence on a sex-offender registry and the last Who album, Pete Townshend has announced that he has in fact begun writing another rock opera.

The opus will deal with “swine flu” and the inevitability of its killing everything on Earth “anyway, anyhow, anywhere.”

According to sources close to Townshend, the as-yet-unnamed work will contain, along with new material, several of the Who’s biggest hits, re-written to accommodate the swine-flu theme: "My Degeneration," “The Kids Aren’t Alright,” “Pictures of Porky,” “Magic Pus,” and “Sneeze Box.”

“I’ve been kickin’ titles around!” shouted the sixty-four-year-old guitarist, whose many years of performing over-amplified music have left him practically deaf. “I quite like Deathhouse, but Quadropneumonia ’as a nice ring to it as well!”

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Japanese scientists to breed 'Super Tuna'

July 2, 2009

First the Japanese infiltrated Major League Baseball. Then they took over the electronics industry.

Now, the country that bombed Pearl Harbor sixty-seven years ago has its sights set on yet another major United States target: the National Football League.

“Radies and gentlemen of the pless,” said Dr. Kazumasa Ikuta, director of research at the Yokohama-based Fisheries Research Agency on Wednesday, “I am ploud to announce that my team and I are about to bleed the Super Tuna!”

“Bleed,” by the way, is Japanese English for “breed.”

“Super Tuna” is the code name that Ikuta and his staff have given to the race of Bill Parcells clones that they plan to engender.

Parcells, whose nickname is “the Big Tuna,” is a two-time Super Bowl-winning NFL coach recently credited with transforming the Miami Dolphins into a winning franchise. Ikuta figures that if a “big” tuna can win two Super Bowls, a “super” one can--and will--win more.

Two major obstacles remain: finding a willing birth mother (Debbie Rowe is said to have backed out at the last minute) and naming the Japanese-based teams.

“We riked the Kyoto Accords,” said Ikuta, “but Honda said that name would viorate their copylight.”

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White House Reporters Grill Gibbs Over ‘Prepackaged’ Questions for Obama

July 1, 2009

Call it "Wednesday Afternoon Fever."

When the Bee Gees Barry and Robin Gibb unexpectedly showed up among the White House press corps for President Obama's "town hall" meeting today, reporters were beside themselves with glee.

At first.

"Maurice!" shrieked the veteran reporter Helen Thomas (D-Hearst Corporation), mistakenly identifying Robin as his twin brother Maurice, who passed away in 2003. Casting all fear of osteoporosis to the wind, the senescent scribe then pushed her way past David Broder (D-Washington Post), Savannah Guthrie (D-NBC), and Ed Henry (D-CNN) to thrust a pen and notepad at the befuddled Bee Gee and ask for his autograph.

Robin wrote, "To Helen--Keep stayin' alive. Love, Maurice."

Once the town-hall meeting began, however, tension began to develop, as press-corps members were repeatedly passed over so that the President could take questions from the Toothsome Twosome.

"How deep is your love?" asked Barry at one point, to which the President responded by reading the contents of Governor Mark Sanford's (R-SC) recently revealed letters to his Argentinian mistress from the teleprompters.

Robin was next, asking the President, "How do you mend a broken heart?"

But before the President could answer, Richard Wolffe (D-Newsweak) interrupted.

"Hey! These questions sound familiar!" he shouted.

They were, in fact, lines from two of the Bee Gees' biggest hits.

Once called on the scam, both Brothers Gibb admitted that their questions had been a publicity stunt.

"We saw Michael Jackson's old albums rocketing up the charts," Robin admitted, "and we felt left out.

"I mean, it's all well and good to sell millions after you've died. But we'd prefer to get ours now."

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