WHO warns swine flu 'unstoppable'

July 3, 2009

Ever desperate to make the public forget both his five-year presence on a sex-offender registry and the last Who album, Pete Townshend has announced that he has in fact begun writing another rock opera.

The opus will deal with “swine flu” and the inevitability of its killing everything on Earth “anyway, anyhow, anywhere.”

According to sources close to Townshend, the as-yet-unnamed work will contain, along with new material, several of the Who’s biggest hits, re-written to accommodate the swine-flu theme: "My Degeneration," “The Kids Aren’t Alright,” “Pictures of Porky,” “Magic Pus,” and “Sneeze Box.”

“I’ve been kickin’ titles around!” shouted the sixty-four-year-old guitarist, whose many years of performing over-amplified music have left him practically deaf. “I quite like Deathhouse, but Quadropneumonia ’as a nice ring to it as well!”

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Japanese scientists to breed 'Super Tuna'

July 2, 2009

First the Japanese infiltrated Major League Baseball. Then they took over the electronics industry.

Now, the country that bombed Pearl Harbor sixty-seven years ago has its sights set on yet another major United States target: the National Football League.

“Radies and gentlemen of the pless,” said Dr. Kazumasa Ikuta, director of research at the Yokohama-based Fisheries Research Agency on Wednesday, “I am ploud to announce that my team and I are about to bleed the Super Tuna!”

“Bleed,” by the way, is Japanese English for “breed.”

“Super Tuna” is the code name that Ikuta and his staff have given to the race of Bill Parcells clones that they plan to engender.

Parcells, whose nickname is “the Big Tuna,” is a two-time Super Bowl-winning NFL coach recently credited with transforming the Miami Dolphins into a winning franchise. Ikuta figures that if a “big” tuna can win two Super Bowls, a “super” one can--and will--win more.

Two major obstacles remain: finding a willing birth mother (Debbie Rowe is said to have backed out at the last minute) and naming the Japanese-based teams.

“We riked the Kyoto Accords,” said Ikuta, “but Honda said that name would viorate their copylight.”

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White House Reporters Grill Gibbs Over ‘Prepackaged’ Questions for Obama

July 1, 2009

Call it "Wednesday Afternoon Fever."

When the Bee Gees Barry and Robin Gibb unexpectedly showed up among the White House press corps for President Obama's "town hall" meeting today, reporters were beside themselves with glee.

At first.

"Maurice!" shrieked the veteran reporter Helen Thomas (D-Hearst Corporation), mistakenly identifying Robin as his twin brother Maurice, who passed away in 2003. Casting all fear of osteoporosis to the wind, the senescent scribe then pushed her way past David Broder (D-Washington Post), Savannah Guthrie (D-NBC), and Ed Henry (D-CNN) to thrust a pen and notepad at the befuddled Bee Gee and ask for his autograph.

Robin wrote, "To Helen--Keep stayin' alive. Love, Maurice."

Once the town-hall meeting began, however, tension began to develop, as press-corps members were repeatedly passed over so that the President could take questions from the Toothsome Twosome.

"How deep is your love?" asked Barry at one point, to which the President responded by reading the contents of Governor Mark Sanford's (R-SC) recently revealed letters to his Argentinian mistress from the teleprompters.

Robin was next, asking the President, "How do you mend a broken heart?"

But before the President could answer, Richard Wolffe (D-Newsweak) interrupted.

"Hey! These questions sound familiar!" he shouted.

They were, in fact, lines from two of the Bee Gees' biggest hits.

Once called on the scam, both Brothers Gibb admitted that their questions had been a publicity stunt.

"We saw Michael Jackson's old albums rocketing up the charts," Robin admitted, "and we felt left out.

"I mean, it's all well and good to sell millions after you've died. But we'd prefer to get ours now."

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Boehner: Climate bill a 'pile of s - - t.'

June 28, 2009

Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) baffled colleagues and foes Friday night by reacting to the passage of a controversial climate-change bill with a cryptic note.

When asked by a reporter about the bill's narrow passing (219 votes for, 212 votes against), the normally outspoken congressman held up his hand, extracted a pad and pencil from his breast pocket, and began to write.

Thirty seconds later, he had finished, handed the note to the reporter, and left the chambers. His message? "This bill is a pile of s - - t."

"We have no idea what he meant," said House Speaker Nancy "Ma'am" Pelosi (D-Calif.), "but I'm pretty sure it starts with an s and ends with a t."

"And there appear to be two letters in between," said Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). "But there are a lot of letters, and it could be awhile before we know which two letters are missing."

GOP Conference Chairman Rep. Mike Pence (Ind.) began soliciting guesses from the assembled representatives and publishing them on his blog, inviting constituents of Boehner to vote for the term that they think Boehner had in mind. "After all," said Pence, "they know him best."

The top vote getters so far: 1. "snot"; 2. "soot"; 3. "smut"; 4. "salt."

"I was thinking maybe he meant 'sbet,'" said Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), "but then I remembered that 'sbet' is not a word."

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EXCLUSIVE: Larry Flynt Rushed To Hospital

Saturday, June 20, 2009

According to police reports, Larry Flynt, the pornography mogul whose paralyzation from the waist down has long been a morsel savored by irony lovers, was rushed "moaning" to an undisclosed Los Angeles hospital earlier today.

The health of the Hustler publisher, however, was apparently not the reason.

"Larry had heard that there were some really hot Candy Stripers working there who were about to turn 18," said a staffer at Flynt's offices, "and he wanted to enlist some of them for our upcoming 'Candy Strippers' issue."

The staffer refused to comment on rumors that Disney and Hustler are at work on an animated film called The Flyntstones in which Betty Rubble appears in the nude.

Swiss Cows Fight to Be Queen

Sunday, June 14

Sociologists call it the law of unintended consequences.

Last month Queen guitarist Brian May announced that Adam Lambert, the American Idol finalist with whom May recently performed during the show’s season-ending episode, might join Queen as a replacement for vocalist Paul Rogers.

Now a dairy organization in Switzerland has gotten into the competition, volunteering some of its more “gifted” cattle for the position originally held by the late Freddie Mercury.

According to Eugen Hunziker, a spokesman for the Swiss Bovine Federation, a percentage of Swiss cows has been proven capable of producing vocal noises that, with minimal electronic “sweetening,” can be made to sound uncannily like the baroque vocal sections of such Queen hits as “Somebody to Love” and “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Despite the obvious novelty appeal of singing cattle, Hunziker admits that at least one problem remains to be solved.

“We Swiss like to think of ourselves as progressive,” said Hunziker. “And we do not wish to offend zaftig feminists who would consider the spectacle of cows singing ‘Fat-Bottomed Girls’ to be an act of hate speech.”

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Fear Grips Google--Sergey Orders Bing Study

Sunday, June 14

Police and paramedics arrived Saturday at the mansion of multi-millionaire Sergey Brin after receiving a 911 call from the Google co-founder saying that he was “gripped by fear.”

It turns out Brin meant it literally.

When officers arrived, they found Brin being held from behind by punk singer Lee Ving while other members of Ving’s band--Fear--tickled the Russian-born innovator into what initial reports described as “near hysteria.”

Ving was apparently disgruntled over Google’s refusal to utilize “differentiation encoding” that would make Fear information on the Internet easy to find. “As it stands,” said Danny Hutton, the Three Dog Night singer who managed Fear in the 1980s, “people searching for Fear have to wade through one phobia page after another.

“But to Lee’s credit,” Hutton added, “I didn’t even know he knew words like differentiation and encoding.”

Meanwhile, Brin has ordered Google employees to supply him with information about the pop crooner Bing Crosby.

“Sergey is superstitious,” said a source. “He believes that immersing himself in someone as ’unpunk’ as Bing will ward off future assaults from not only Fear but also the Sex Pistols.”

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Madonna Wins Adoption Battle

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Madonna may adopt a second child from Malawi, the southern African country's highest court ruled Friday, overturning a lower court decision that it said was out of touch with the times.

Chief Justice Lovemore Munlo, reading the three-judge panel's ruling, also said the singer's commitment to helping disadvantaged children should have been taken into account when deciding on Madonna's request to adopt three-year-old Chifundo "Mercy" James.

But James Kambewa, a Malawian security guard who claims to be James' biological father, broke down after hearing the court's ruling. "I'm crying," he said. "I need my baby. I don't know where I can find any help."

Upon overhearing Kambewa's reaction, Madonna broke through a crowd of reporters and taunted Kambewa with an impromptu, a cappella rendition of her 1986 hit "Papa Don't Preach" in which she changed the last line of the chorus to "I'm keeping your baby."

So far, there has been no reaction from Sean Penn.

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Baby Born On NYC Mass Transit For 2nd Straight Day

Saturday, June 13, 2009

For the second consecutive day, a girl has been born on New York City's mass-transit system, making little Conchita Estrada the fastest human being in history to be born again.

According to a spokesman for New York's Archbishop Edward Egan, the diocese has begun an examination to determine whether the rapid rebirth qualifies as a miracle. "And if it does," the spokesman said, "we will formerly commemorate the event on the subway car where it happened, making that car a vehicle of 'Mass' transit indeed."

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WHO head quizzes govts on raising swine flu alert

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

In perhaps the strangest twist on the reality-show concept yet, MTV announced yesterday that the Who’s Pete Townshend has been signed to host Flu’s Next?, a game show in which a panel of government representatives from around the world will attempt to outdo each other in answering questions about the H1N1 virus--a.k.a. “swine flu.”

Reached at his home in England, the 64-year-old guitarist said that the program, which is scheduled to air in the fall, comes along “at just the right time.”

“Let’s face it,” he said, “touring with Roger as the Who was getting pretty daft. I mean, he sounds 108 and I look it.”

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